Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving: A Time To Reflect And Think Positive

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

We hope your Thanksgiving turned out the way you wanted it to turn out. Ours did, a nice cozy dinner followed by an evening for reflecting on things we are thankful for. We have much to be thankful for and concentrate on that, because it won’t do to dwell on disappointments. Outside the weather is nippy and wet, inside it is warm and dry and it is a reflective holiday. This is not the day for thinking of things that didn’t work out and work that still must be done. We’ll do that again starting Monday.

Successes On An National And State Level

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is history and we hope will be used as an example of a dumb policy. Six states, the District of Columbia, and two Indian tribes allow same sex marriages. In a number of states the issue is up for a referendum vote and LGBT rights are sure to have a prominent place in the 2012 elections. Some of our friends fear that the outcomes will set us back, but we are delighted that the relentless pushing and shoving got us on ballots and in the courts. The immediate outcome may not be as we wish, but there is no doubt about the eventual result. The tide is turning in our favor as polls show a steady increase in Americans’ realization that something is amiss when so many of their countrymen still have to struggle to be included in America’s promise of “everybody is equal and has inalienable rights.”

Successes On An Individual Level

The battles on the federal and state level and their successful outcomes are necessary for without them we have no footing. But laws and rules and regulations do not change hardcore, antagonistic minds. That work requires hard work at the root. The results of what API Family Pride does are seen and felt at a personal level. When a son or daughter calls us and asks for help and intervention we know that our community has found us and that we are here to help. And when the help and intervention have positive outcomes, the satisfaction that comes from knowing we played a part energizes us to continue. The best moments come, though, when in the course of a workshop or talking to visitors to our Wall of Pride exhibit we can see an insight sparking in the eyes of parents. Then we know we have reached another parent and maybe the family stays together and maybe he or she will tell another parent.

We are grateful for having the opportunity to help, to be part of a struggle that will see our son and his friends and his whole community and all API LGBT people and all LGBT people be treated as persons.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

November 18, 2011

California’s Supreme Court Decrees That Anti-Gay Marriage Groups Can Continue To Make Fools Of Themselves

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

California’s Supreme Court unanimously decreed that the official proponents of Proposition 8 are entitled to defend their measure in court. Reaction to the ruling from the major organizations on both sides was swift and predictable. The Courage Campaign called it “an outrageous, irresponsible decision that has no basis in the California Constitution.” The Protect Marriage people thought the ruling signaled the demise of the lawsuit. Both sides are merely pandering to public opinion.

We Like This Ruling

We believe that the ruling is beneficial for the cause of same sex marriage. In its decision, the Court emphasized that the ruling resolved a procedural issue about the integrity of California’s initiative process and had nothing to do with gay marriage. We believe everybody knew that and now that the matter is resolved the real issue can return to the U.S. 9^th Circuit Court of Appeals. We have no doubt about its favorable outcome: banning same sex marriage is unconstitutional. A federal judge previously said so and in earlier hearings the 9^th Circuit Court seemed to lean in that direction as well. Regardless of what happens next, this case will end up in the U.S. Supreme Court.

The ruling thus moves forward a process that was taken out of the state’s domain and will ultimately ensure that marriage equality is the law of the land, a process that was halted on an unrelated issue. Think of it, all the arguments, pro and con, will be publicized, analyzed, and commented upon. The party that loses will sharpen its arguments for the next round. We’ll get to hear it all and it will all be written down. The absolute ridiculousness of the reasons for denying equal rights to a group of people will be a record for future generations to laugh at.

There is one fly in the ointment. Had the California Supreme Court ruled the other way, that is, had they ruled that private groups had no standing to defend in court the measure they sponsored, then there may not have been a case (the ruling is not binding on the 9^th Circuit Court), and Proposition 8 would be unconstitutional. Many of our LGBT friends could get married almost right away. The process we champion is a long one and our friends now must wait. That we regret.

Once Marriage Equality Is Legally Established, It Must Become Socially Acceptable

Legally establishing a right is a necessary but insufficient step. Once it is legally established that same sex couple may marry, the hard work that has been going on for some time attains a sharper focus. We are speaking, of course, about convincing people that marriage, a union blessed by the state and endowed with over a thousands rights, is not just a legal right but a human right as well. Once the legal precedent is established, social acceptance becomes the next obstacle to overcome. We believe it crucial, because if marriage is a voluntary commitment between two people in love to share their lives, then two people in love ought to be allowed to share their lives.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

November 11, 2011

When Children Come Out Of The Closet, Parents Go In.

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Un Uncomfortable Quote

We came across this quote:

Sometimes it bothers me, when I see that [my parents are] trying to conceal [my homosexuality] when friends ask them if I have a girlfriend or even a future wife to be [sic]. It’s then when I force the truth on them and “remind” them while notifying their unknowing friends, that I’m as gay as one can possibly be. Whoever can’t understand that, is free to go, I always pointed this out.

We particularly don’t like the phrase: “It’s then when I force the truth on them . . . ,“ but the whole paragraph appears selfish and inconsiderate. This is a young man who came out to his parents after college graduation and after he felt established enough to run the risk. His parents struggled with the reality of having a gay son and remain uncomfortable with it. Apparently, from the paragraph above, they don’t want it broadcast about; they want to stay in the closet themselves until they are comfortable with it. We believe that should be honored.

Coming Out Is A Personal Matter

From the many testimonies we have heard over the years, we know how difficult it is for an LGBT person to come out. We hear stories that not coming out is easier than coming out until a serious relationship develops, then it becomes difficult to be unable to bring him or her home. Some people have reasons not to come out. A South Asian lesbian does not want to come out to her dad because “. . . he is older and I don’t know how long I’ll still have him.” That, which she leaves unsaid speaks volumes. Others must come out: “I couldn’t stand it any more. I had to come out, because without it I couldn’t be a whole person.” We learned that the decision finally to do come out is personal because the reasons for the apprehension are personal. And we also learned that nobody comes out on behalf of an LGBT person; you don’t out anybody.

When Children Come Out Of The Closet, Parents Go In

Coming out is not just a one-way street. Parents also have a coming out process. While we can only infer from testimony how difficult it sometimes is for LGBT children to come out, we have firsthand knowledge of how difficult it is for parents. When our son told us he was gay, we had an immediate sense of failure, we are bad parents, we failed. And right after that: what would our family say, our friends, our colleagues? They would all think we were bad parents. When we first told John’s mother that she had a gay grandson, her admonition was to love him regardless, but not to tell anybody. John has a lesbian sister and a gay uncle, but their sexual preference is the elephant in any conversation or gathering. We were, and most parents are, creatures of a culture, of a value system that is totally clueless about homosexuality and when it comes home, all is confusion. There is the shame of having a gay son, the fear of losing friends, the trepidation of family judgments.

Parents Need Time To Stay In That Closet: To Learn, To Understand, To Accept

Just as LGBT children want to decide by themselves when and whom to tell about their sexual preferences, so parents want to decide when to tell family and friends of a child who does not fit one of the more cherished societal norms. And just as there are LGBT children who will never come out, so are there parents who will never tell. But neither side of this equation should one side decide for the other to tell.

 

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

November 4, 2011

Is “I Still Love You But I Won’t Accept You Being LGBT” A Contradiction?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Contradiction Must Be Resolved

There is no such thing as a contradiction. Contradictions are in the eye of the beholder. When you think there is a contradiction and it bothers you enough, investigate and it will resolve itself and you will have learned something. It isn’t always easy, but the thought process is worth the effort. We thought of this while reading a “Coming Out” story on Gay Blog: Dark Q. A boy thinks he is gay, becomes certain that he is, comes out to friends while in high school, but only to his parents once he graduates from college and is independent of them. Here is the line that caught our eye: “My parents told me they’d love me the same, regardless of my sexual orientation, but they couldn’t agree with it.” This, to us, is an apparent contradiction that needs to be resolved.

One Way To Resolve This Contradiction

We have come across this before. In a seven minute film from Basic Rights Oregon titled: “Our Families: Featuring Asian and Pacific Islander Families” a Korean mother who accepts her gay son and loves him regardless says about her son being gay: “I really don’t want to accept this,” and a little later: “I still do not want to accept this now.” How is it possible to accept and love your child but not agreeing with who he or she is? The answer is in that last part of our question: they do not know, have not understood, that having an LGBT child is part of his or her identity. They believe it is something you choose. In the same film a Philippina mother asks her lesbian daughter why she would choose such a difficult life.

If our explanation is correct and resolves the contradiction, then the path to understanding is clear: find a way to make parents (and everybody else) understand that to be LGBT is not a choice, but a part of being.

There May Be Another Explanation

      There is another explanation. It could be that the power of the cultural value APIs invest in family is so strong, that even though parents do not accept the LGBT part of their child’s identity, the family value prevents them from rejecting their child. The Philippina lesbian of “Our Families: Featuring Asian and Pacific Islander Families” believes that her mother’s strong belief in family eventually made her come to terms with who she was. And now that she herself is older and looks back from a more mature perspective, she believes that the strong value of family trumps all other cultural values.

The Korean mother said it best when she said that she truly believes that family is the most important value and that: . . . “you must accept your children. If you don’t do that, these kids have no place to go. They cannot live.”

Regardless Of Explanations, There is Time To Teach

Coming out is difficult not just for the LGBT child who is coming out, but also for parents. Belinda famously said that when children come out, parents go into the closet. If parents initially do not accept “the lifestyle” but still accept their child, then there is time to teach, to make them understand what it means to be an LGBT son or daughter. It is what API Family Pride does, but it is also what the LGBT child must do. It is all about preserving and restoring family bonds. Teach your parents.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride apifamilypride.org