Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

November 2, 2012

Sometimes Acceptance Is Immediate, Sometimes It Takes Awhile

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

A Mother TellsHer Story.

The summer after he graduated high school, my son moved to Southern California. The idea was that during the summer he would look after his younger cousins while his aunt and uncle went on a trip. Come fall, he would enroll in college. He never did enroll, because he found a job he fell in love with, is still doing it, and now is nearly at the top of management.

He and I have a very good relationship and he phoned me often. And more and more in our conversations he talked about how different from everybody else he felt. I had known this from his youth, of course, but now there seemed to be a new urgency to his questions. The breakthrough insight came when during a stormy night with lighting and thunder one of two girls he was sharing an apartment with became frightened and came into his bedroom and huddled on his bed. “Mom,” he said, “I didn’t feel anything. I think I may be gay.” He was scared, confused and asked for advice. I told him to talk to a priest. He did. The priest told him that regardless how he felt, he was still God’s child.

That, too, is how I feel. He is my son, God gave him to me and he will always be my son. God did not make him bad, just different and why should I love him less for that?

Her son tells his story.

As long as I can remember I felt different. I didn’t know what it was, but I just felt off somehow. My father was a person who had specific ideas of what it means to be a man. I did not match any of his ideas. He loved sports, he umpired little league, and expected me to also love sports. I did not. I remember evenings sitting in my bedroom with my mother watching a show on a tiny TV, while downstairs my father and older brother watched their sports on the big screen.

Being a man means not being a sissy and my father often said to me that I was a sissy, a mama’s boy. I once overheard him saying to my mother that instead of one daughter, he actually had two. And it wasn’t just my father, my older brother, my aunts and uncles, all are (but maybe now hopefully were) homophobic and homophobic slurs are part of the vocabulary I grew up with.

When I was finally able to give a name to who I am and really understood what that means, I knew I had to come out to my family, aunties and uncles included. It didn’t go well, their reaction was as expected. For me, though, it was a great relief to finally know who I am, tell my family who I am, and tell the world and live openly as a gay man.

My father succumbed to the diseases that afflicted him during the last years of his life. I was with him constantly during the final weeks. It was the first time ever that we spent time so closely together and we forged a bond that had not existed before. The last time he went into the hospital he shared a room with a gay man. I don’t know what they talked about or what the man said, but when I visited him, my father and I totally reconciled. At the end of his life my father fully accepted and honored me.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

August 31, 2012

What Is Success? How Is Progress Measured?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

How do you measure progress in the campaign to end homophobia? Do you count the number of laws passed that prohibit discrimination against LGBT people? The number of rights gained? Should we weigh laws and rights by their importance? Is the right to marry worth three statutes against discrimination? We believe that a legal framework is an absolutely necessary but ultimately insufficient tool to gain social justice. Passing a law is a small first step, but then comes making it real. Laws must be implemented and implementation in this case requires a willingness to spend treasure and effort to affect profound cultural changes.

Why Worry About Measurements?

We ask ourselves this question—about what to measure—so that we can track how effective we really are and to find and concentrate on those initiatives that appear to work best. To change the world one person at a time is a nice sound bite, but is silly; besides, it is now so over-used as to be annoying. It is more effective to find what Malcolm Gladwell calls a “tipping point” and cause a chain reaction.

Are Schools Safer Than Before?

In our last blog we noted that schools are still not a safe place for LGBT students to learn. Are schools safer than before? Maybe, but that is scant encouragement for the many teenagers still harassed and bullied. Were schools ever a safe place for those who are “different?” Should we, in order to make it safe for LGBT students, devise interventions that make it safe for all protected characteristics (sex, ethnicity, race, national origin, religion, color, and disability)? If so, does it make sense to measure progress for just LGBT students? Or is being LGBT sufficiently different from the other protected classes that it should have its own interventions and measurements for progress.

Is Corporate America A Safe Place For LGBT People?

At the other end of the spectrum from high schools, corporate America is also not a safe place for LGBT people. In a July 25 article, the Wall Street Journal reported “there isn’t a single openly gay chief executive officer in the Fortune 1000.” Human Rights Deputy Director Deena Fidas is quoted: “Being gay in the corporate world is still far from being a ‘nonissue.‘ Companies can still legally fire a worker for being gay in 29 states, for one, and many subtle biases remain in the workplace.” A diversity consultant claims that he knows at least ten closeted gay CEOs.

Out & Equal Workplace Advocates, a non-profit from San Francisco with a vision to create “workplace equality for all inclusive of all sexual orientations, gender identities, expressions, and characteristics,” is working this issue. The path toward their existence, which is on their website, is an indicator that they might just be effective in creating that safe workplace.

Until We Really Know What Works, Try Things We Think Will Work

We don’t know what works best because we don’t know how to measure what works best. We do know the end point, namely: success is when America’s prevailing conversation no longer includes derogatory content against LGBT people. Until we know how to get there, let’s keep trying whatever idea comes to mind, apply it to whatever societal segment we are concerned about, and make it happen.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

August 24, 2012

School Starts And We Haven’t Stopped Name-Calling

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Remember being taunted on the playground? You taunted back: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” But if you remember that, then you know that words do hurt and may hurt a lot longer than any damage done by sticks and stones. Now there is academic verification. The University of Michigan surveyed 114 students between the ages of 18 and 25 and published the resulting data in the Journal of American Health. Conclusion: students who frequently hear “that’s so gay,” “were more likely to feel isolated and experience headaches, poor appetite or eating problems than those who didn’t.”

Many Of Us Already Know That

In 2001 we persuaded Fremont’s school board to administer a survey to all Junior and Senior High School students and faculty to benchmark the incidence of name calling in the Fremont Unified School District. In the course of planning for the survey and its aftermath, we heard testimony from students who were targets of the abusive name-calling. It was an eye-opener; students who had already graduated were in tears remembering their schooldays. LGBT students, or even those who were merely thought to be LGBT, were among the most frequent targets of taunts. The principal lesson we took away from our survey experience is that students who were continuously taunted felt unsafe while in school and their learning suffered.

Between The Law And Its Implementation, There Falls The Shadow

California’s Education Code specifically prohibits discrimination against and harassment of students and staff in schools on the basis of sex, ethnic group identification, race, national origin, religion, color, or mental or physical disability. In 2000 the code was amended to specifically include discrimination and harassment on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. That became the law, but implementation of that law is a whole different problem.

We heard of a case where two Asian students, harassed a third Asian student in their native language because they thought he was gay. The student being harassed was not out and would not report the problem because he was afraid his parents would find out. Schools depend on the reporting of incidents before they can take corrective action.

A Mormon freshman was harassed because of her faith. One taunt was the question if she had ten mothers to which she replied: “That’s so gay.” She was sent to the principal office and received a warning and notification in her file. Her parents sued school officials on grounds that they violated their daughter’s First Amendment rights when they disciplined her for uttering a phrase “which enjoys widespread currency in youth culture.” Her parents also wanted to know why the school did not protect their daughter against religious harassment by other students. The judge hearing the case ruled against the parents. She wrote: “The law, with all its majesty and might, is simply too crude and imprecise an instrument to satisfactorily soothe deeply hurt feelings.”

Schools Should Be Safe For Learning

It is a parent’s nightmare. Your child goes to school to learn and prepare for college, to prepare for a career. Instead, he or she is afraid to go to school and is in fear while in school. There is a law protecting your child but it is difficult to implement. One faculty member told us that until the community as a whole changes its view on LGBT people in particular, children will come to our schools with the attitudes they see at home.

So that is the task, change the beliefs and values of the whole community. It is possible, but it’ll take time and arduous effort. In the meantime, our children don’t feel safe. So let’s take the time and make the effort.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

August 17, 2012

Are Labels Necessary?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

At a recent fundraising event we met a couple whom we hadn’t seen or had contact with for about six years. We caught up and, as parents are wont to do, we asked about our children. How are they doing, have they finished school, are they in their chosen careers, are they married? The couple’s daughter, we were told, has had relationships with both men and women and can’t make up her mind which she prefers. We asked: “Is she bisexual or questioning?” To which the couple replied: “Does it need a label?” And we said . . . Yes.

That answer requires an explanation.

If You Are On A journey Of Discovery, You May Not Need Labels

Sexual orientation ranges along a continuum. In general, adolescence is the time people learn about themselves and sexual orientation is part of that learning. While going through the learning process it probably is not necessary to put labels on what you are feeling; you feel what you feel and there is no need for you to articulate precisely where on the continuum you are. This becomes especially true when you become certain where you belong and find a community of like-minded people.

The majority of adolescents find that the gender they were assigned at birth and the corresponding expected sexual orientation are aligned. Such is the power of that expectation, that in this society for most people sexual orientation is binary: men are attracted to women, women are attracted to men. But sexual orientation is not binary at all, in fact, it has many layers of complexity that we are still learning about.

If You Are Trying to Communicate, You Probably Do Need Labels

API Family Pride’s vision is to foster the recognition and acceptance among Asian and Pacific Islander families of the sexual and gender diversity within our cultures. To accomplish this we need to communicate with a binary world and to communicate we need a common language. Here is where we need labels or, more accurately, we need definitions. Every field of knowledge develops a vocabulary to communicate more efficiently and effectively its discoveries among its members. Our task and the task of others who also work toward LGBT acceptance is more difficult. We need to communicate to those who are not members of our community and are often hostile to it.

We distribute a DVD with two documentaries one of which is called: “There Is No Name For This.” It is a common enough complaint: how do you tell your parents that you are LGBT when their primary language has no word that clearly describes who you are and the only descriptions it contains are pejorative approximations. During much of the 20^th century being LGBT provoked negative and even hostile reactions. It is a sign of progress that the three most often discussed sexual orientations: hetero- homo- and bisexuality provoke less hostility than before. But they do still provoke reactions, at times violent ones, and still a plethora of other sexual orientations remain unfamiliar.

Definitions Must Be Carefully Used

We know that definitions pigeonhole people and that pigeonholing carries with it a host of presumptions. We also know that it is not possible to neatly pigeonhole each manifestation of the sexual diversity along the continuum. That may not be necessary, because our goal is to make people understand that sexual diversity is complex and not a danger to society. We believe that we need a critical mass of definitions to make that happen. Yes, that means we need labels.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

August 10, 2012

Are Messages Of Love Sufficient To Drown Messages Of Hate? What Else Is Needed?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

A few days ago we came across a handwritten letter from a father to his gay son severing all contact. When posting the letter, the son wrote: “5 Years ago, I was disowned via letter when I came out to my father. This is how hate sounds.” The letter has since gone viral; it is awful but you should read it.

Is It Hate Or Pure Ignorance?

Awful though the letter is, we don’t think it is the sound of hate. We hasten to add that hate is subjective and that we don’t have the context for the letter as would a son. In his accompanying thoughts, the son calls the letter a “terrible act of hate and cowardice.” When a son with (good?) memories of growing up with a father reads: ”Don’t expect any further communications With [sic] me. No communication at all. I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house,” then, yes, this could be an expression of hate.

For us, from the safe distance of involved watchers, it is a sad letter, not a hateful one. It is a letter written by an ignorant man and a selfish man, a man who cannot see beyond himself: “You’ve made your choice Wrong [sic] it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle.” The letter says a lot more about its author than its recipient.

Messages Of Hate

As involved watchers we have the benefit of comparison. We have read and heard what we consider hate. The internet has plenty of examples. There is the godhatesfags.com website of the Westboro Baptist Church where the Reverend Phelps and his litter spew unbelievable messages of hate. Then you have Pastor Sean Harris or Pastor Charles Worley from North Carolina who wants to collect all lesbians and put them in a compound surrounded by an electric fence so they can’t get out, then do the same with “queers and homosexuals.” That way they can’t reproduce and in a few years they’ll all be dead. Problem solved. Makes you wonder where they got their divinity degree, or even if they have one.

Messages Of Love

But enough of hate! Among the many comments to the handwritten letter, there was one from a man who adopted a child who at age fifteen came out to him. Not a problem, the man wrote, and proceeded to define the difference between being a father and being a dad. A father is biological; anybody can be a father. A dad, however, is something you learn to become as the child in your care grows up and presents you with difficulties to solve. Coming out as LGBT is just one of those difficulties. The commenter uses the word “earn,” as in, you have to earn the title of dad. In his view the handwritten letter’s author is a father, but failed the test of being a dad.

We also read a letter from a mother of an MTF transgender child. It has everything, pain, confusion, a cry for help, but also a pledge of unconditional love and to be there when a mother is needed. We provide a booklet called Beloved Daughter as one of our resources. In it are letters from Chinese mothers to their lesbian daughters. The letters are frank in their descriptions of the process parents go through when their child comes out to them. They all have this in common too: an unswerving commitment to love and learn and stay a parent who counsels and guides.

Bringing Those Who Hate The Message of Those Who Love

We, obviously, take a lot of encouragement from the messages of love. By the same token, we are taken aback by the vitriol contained in the messages of hate. Those who spread the hate use arguments so over the top ridiculous that it is certain with time only the most fanatical will pay heed. We want the messages of love to drown the messages of hate.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

August 3, 2012

How Difficult Is It To Be Yourself When Others Don’t Want You To Be?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

We read that Chavela Vargas died. Truth be told, we did not know who she was until we saw her obituary in one of the blogs we regularly read; and then we searched the web.

Her real name was Isabel Vargas Lizano and she was born in Costa Rica. She fled to Mexico at age 14 because she wanted to sing and there were few opportunities where she was born. She sang in the streets and clubs and gained a reputation as a first-rate interpreter of cancion ranchera, folk music of Mexico. She cut her first album when she was 32 and eventually released 80 of them. In the 1990s her career reached a second peak largely because of the interest by Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodovar who described her voice as “the rough voice of tenderness.” She died at the age of 93.

So why does she appear in our blog? She was a lesbian, but by itself, that is not a sufficient reason to appear in our blog, because we spent a lot of effort making the point that being LGBT is as normal as being not LGBT. However, Chavela Vargas was special. She was a person oblivious to social norms, seemingly indifferent whether she was accepted or not: she wore pants during the time of a very conservative and very catholic Mexico, she drank tequila on stage and got drunk, and carried a pistol which she used to scare away animals and point at people. The obituaries say that she came out when she was 81, but that is not the story. This is what she is quoted as saying:

I’m very proud of being what I am, but I don’t shout it. I am who I am. I don’t have a label. My name is Chavela Vargas. Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

To us, this is a magnificent declaration: honest, independent, straight to the point, and in your face. Most of the time we hear stories indicating quite the opposite, stories tinged with sadness and regret. When a person becomes aware that he or she is LGBT, fear and shame are often the initial reaction. Why can’t I be like others? Will my parents still love me? When parents find out that their child is LGBT, they are overcome with a sense of personal failure that is closely followed by fear that family, friends, or their church will ostracize them.

We are social animals, we need to belong, to be part of some community, and we need to feel accepted. Our personal sense of worth is tied up with that sense of belonging, of seeing reflected by others a confirmation of who we are and what we are. Although we all like to believe that we are our own people and independent of others’ opinion, it isn’t so. We once read that to be human is to experience the contradictory needs to belong yet stand out as individuals. It is a fact that in our time being LGBT means to not belong, indeed, to be the subject of laws that separate you from the larger community. That is a condition of existence that must be removed.

We don’t know the details of her life, but Chavela Vargas’ proud statement struck us because it is so different from what we normally hear. We don’t know the price she paid for her independence. Did she arrive at that attitude because of a miserable childhood? Though sober for the last 30 years, she battled alcoholism for most of her life and even interrupted her career to battle that disease. It really does not matter, most of us, after a time of reflection and struggle, become comfortable with who we are even if we are not as eloquent as she was.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

July 27, 2012

Privacy Vs Disclosure: Being LGBT Is Still Not A Non-Issue

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Dr. Sally Ride died of pancreatic cancer at age 61. At the end of the obituary she co-wrote with her female partner, there was the revelation that they had had a relationship for 27 years. That revelation ignited a debate between the right to privacy people on the one hand and the public candor obligation people on the other.

Should She Have Come Out Or Was She Right Staying Private?

Andrew Sullivan who writes a column for the Daily Beast firmly sits on the public candor side of the line. He headlines his July 24 column with “America’s First Woman In Space Was A Lesbian.” Then the first sentence asks: “That wasn’t too hard, was it?” His blog seems to suggest that his headline should have been the obituary’s and takes to task the New York Times for not making prominent Dr. Ride’s homosexuality. He believes that the obituary makes it clear that her sexual orientation was central to Dr. Ride’s life. Homophobia, he claims is the reason that the NY Times wrote a “dishonest obituary.” We have read the obituary (several times!) and fail to see that centrality.

Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson of New Hampshire believes that we should all honor Dr. Ride’s decision to remain private about her sexual orientation. He reminds everybody that Dr. Ride was a baby-boomer and grew up “in a time when coming out was unthinkable.” LGBT people older than 30 years of age are 16 times less likely to come out of the closet according to a study by the Movement Advancement Project. Older LGBT people’s lives were and still are disrupted by the homophobia they experienced.

We Believe Dr. Ride’s Decisions Are Hers Alone

It is disappointing to even have this debate. Here is a person with undergraduate degrees in English and Physics and a doctorate in Astrophysics, all from Stanford, a nationally ranked collegiate tennis player, who broke NASA’s glass ceiling, helped develop the space shuttle’s robotic arm, the first woman in space, that member of two space-shuttle disaster panels known for asking the tough questions, professor of physics and director of the California Space Institute at UC San Diego, and founder of Sally Ride Science, a company that “makes science and engineering cool again,” and there are those who believe her obituary should make the point that she was a lesbian? How short sighted and how much a sign of the times and how well a measure of how many people cannot see beyond a single characteristic. To emphasize that she was a lesbian misses the point of a life lived well and disrespects her wishes.

She was not closeted; her family knew and her friends knew and to all who knew it did not matter. Dr. Sally Ride was a fabulous person, brilliant and, judging from the many web comments, a role model to many young girls for whom she broke several ceilings. May she rest in peace.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

July 20, 2012

Do We Really Need More Coming Out Information? Yes!

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

We’re at the National Queer Asian Pacific Islander Alliance Conference in Washington DC. We came to learn and maybe to contribute what we know.

Some Lessons Are Worth Relearning

One thing we learned again is that putting things in words cannot begin to describe the intense personal emotions parents experience when their child comes out to them. Words cannot describe the panic and doubt and grief that come with that revelation. For example, we have a workshop that explains why parents have a difficult time accepting their LGBT child: we give about four or five well researched reasons. None of those reasons comes close to describing how a parent feels when he or she first hears the news. Such is the emotion, that five, ten years after the experience, tears still flow at the memory of that first time.

We also have well researched reasons why children have such a difficult time to come out to their parents. Some children never do, but here at this conference we saw adult children get teary eyed and even cry because they want to tell their parents but cannot for their own personal reasons and the grief of their isolation is overwhelming.

Is There A Lack Of Information?

At the parents’ convening and the workshops we attended, we heard from both parents and LGBT children that there is a scandalous lack of information for parents to grapple with their new reality and a lack of information when children begin to make plans to come out to their parents. Can this be so? The web is full of stories and advice. It is scattered and you need to search for it, but it is there. We also know of at least four projects that collect stories to put on YouTube or make available on DVD. All four, however, are ethnic and culture specific. Maybe therein lies an answer: there is information, but it is not specific to a personal need and that seems to be necessary.

We did learn that there is a need for expert information; information provided by medical, psychological, legal, educational, or counseling professionals. It is needed to guide parents and their LGBT children along the steep learning curve. It is needed to validate what they learn along the way.

At the parents’ convening we agreed to a course of action: gather stories and expert reports, find a place to archive that information for easy and immediate access, organize all material along ethnic and culture guidelines, and provide links to other sources of information. We also have to establish a list of parents who traversed the learning curve and support and honor their LGBT children and are willing to talk to parents who are confused and in doubt.

Our Wall of Pride Is Here

We brought part of our Wall of Pride. We finally were able to make the Wall portable so that handling and air transportation cost are minimized and we can bring it with us whenever asked. Our Wall of Pride has become such a unique and powerful tool that we want to show it off and share with others the process to built one for their own communities. The Wall generated discussions; we are so proud.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

July 13, 2012

How Do You Break Through The Conversation Wall?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Our son and two of his friends spent a week staying at our home. They live in different cities—Chicago, Cincinnati, New York—but each year they get together for a week in a city chosen by one of them on a rotating basis. This year it was San Francisco and to save lodging cost they stayed with us.

All three are professionals, all three are friendly and gregarious, and we have known them for what seems like forever. They are a Youth Counselor specializing in getting ‘at risk’ youth into college, an attorney specializing in domestic cases, and a Deputy Director for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

What point are we trying to make? This point: one the great frustrations for us as parents is that when we tell friends that our son is gay, it becomes the thing that defines him. They don’t ask what he does, they don’t ask whether he is happy, or likes his job, or is successful. No, being gay stops further questions.

For those without LGBT children, knowledge about LGBT people often comes from the press and casual conversations during coffee breaks where opinions abound but facts are scarce. When they find themselves in a situation with or about an actually gay person, being gay is so out of the ordinary, so far away from the accepted norm, that it fills all the space surrounding the gay person and he has no other dimensions.

We want to scream: our son is normal, he is like his brother and sister and we want to brag about all three. He has many dimensions, he has dreams, he achieved success in his field, he worked hard for the success he enjoys, just like everybody else. His friends, too, have many dimensions and achievements and once you grasp that being gay is normal and move beyond this one dimension, you can get to know them and appreciate them for who they are. Then you either like them or you don’t, but not because they’re gay.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

July 6, 2012

An AIDS-Free Generation? Almost There

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

AIDS 2012 will convene in Washington DC from July 22 to 27. Organizers are expecting 25,000 delegates to come and attend sessions “on the latest issues in HIV science, policy and practice and will also seek to share key research findings, lessons learned, best practices, as well as identify gaps in knowledge.” The mood is optimistic. Dr. Anthony Fauci, the National Institutes of Health’s Director of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, thinks, “we can significantly slow, and ultimately end, the onslaught of this modern-day plague.” The current mood is a total reversal from the one in 1987 when the conference was last held in Washington DC. Then the mood was somber and the HIV/AIDS pandemic was spreading without much to fight it with. An HIV diagnosis then was tantamount to a death sentence.

The Bad Old Days Of Ignorance

We remember those early days, not because we knew anybody with the disease, but because our son told us he was gay in 1993. Back then, HIV/AIDS was known as the gay-cancer. For straight, ill-informed parents being gay meant their child was going to die of AIDS. It is part of many stories we have heard since, in addition to the shock, confusion, and self-blame when a son or daughter came out there was this equation: gay is equal to AIDS. In those days if you contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion you were an innocent victim, but if you were gay and contracted AIDS you deserved it.

Looking back, those were surreal times. On the one hand, there were people who believed that AIDS was a wrathful God’s punishment for being homosexual. He had used plagues to punish before, back in Egypt, a long time ago. On the other hand, there were people who fought hard against the stigma associated with AIDS. There were two closets back then, one for people with AIDS, one for people who were LGBT, though at times they were the same closet. People with AIDS were in the closet, because if they told people they had it, job loss and social isolation were a high probability. Almost the same reasons LGBT people were in the closet.

Even more ironic is that that first decade of AIDS gave the LGBT community a voice as never before.

As open lesbians and gays were drawn into policy formation and service delivery, as knowledge about gay lifestyles, and sexual practices, spread as a result of HIV and AIDS, so the homosexual community achieved a new openness and public presence.

We Are At A Turning Point And Personal Stories Will Help Make That Turn

Twenty-five years have made a difference. Dr. Fauci sees an AIDS-free generation. Medically, he may be right, but AIDS is more than just a medical condition. There are economic, social, and cultural dimensions to this horrific disease. The malignant virus is with us still and relentlessly spreading. As of June 30, 2011, the latest data we could find, the nine Bay Area Counties are home to roughly 9300 people infected with the virus and about 20,000 people whose infection progressed to AIDS. It affects different population groups differently. While it is no longer a gay disease, HIV/AIDS disproportionally affects the LGBT community and the sharpest increase of new cases is among African American heterosexual women.

It will take more than just science to eradicate AIDS. Access to medications must be affordable, stigma must be removed, and cultural beliefs must change. And here as elsewhere, we believe personal stories will bring the attention needed to stop this pandemic. People are already collecting and posting them and so we know we are on the right path.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

Keeping Families Together

The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

June 29, 2012

How Do We Fight Ignorance That Comes From Fear and Prejudice?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Maryland’s Montgomery County School District had a policy that allowed nonprofit organizations to print fliers for students to take home. Typically, students came home with flyers four times a year in conjunction with their quarterly report cards. Usually these fliers were from the district itself or the PTA or Boy Scouts or announcing some activity. The idea was create a flow of information to encourage students to participate in community organizations. But the idea died on June 25 when the school board voted 6-1 to end the policy for middle and high school students. The reason was a controversy created by some fliers.

A Flyer With Bogus Information Causes Controversy

In February students took home a flyer from Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX). The fliers encouraged homosexual students to contact PFOX or “ex-gay” ministries to enroll in “reparative therapy.” According to the fliers, homosexual students could change their sexual orientation, because there is no scientific evidence that sexual orientation is innate and therefore can be changed. Some parents were upset and certainly LGBT activists reacted strongly. The local chapter of PFLAG began sending home its own flyers opposing reparative therapy and countering other PFOX assertions.

The school board tried to stop the PFOX fliers, but in a ruling back in 2006 when it tried to prevent an evangelical Christian organization from sending home fliers, the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals found blocking distribution was discrimination. And so the school board to stop PFOX curtailed their open flyer program and only allowed government organizations to send flyers home.

A Flyer With Bogus Information May Cause Harm

In 1997, the American Psychological Association passed a resolution affirming that: “Homosexuality is not a disorder and the APA opposes all portrayals of lesbian, gay and bisexual people as mentally ill and in need of treatment due to their sexual orientation.” Furthermore:

The medical and scientific consensus is that “reparative therapy” is not effective and is potentially harmful. The ethics and efficacy of these methods are rejected by all mainstream medical and mental health associations that have taken a position on the topic. Their stance is that sexual orientation is unchangeable, and that attempts to do so are often damaging to the person’s well-being.

And so there it is: doctors and scientist agree that sexual orientation is indeed innate, that reparative therapy does not work, and, most important, it causes harm. Of course: depending on one’s definition of proof, there may not be any, but then, is there proof of the existence of God? And isn’t that the reason it is called a belief?

It Takes Time To Eradicate Ignorance

All this leaves us wondering what it would take to convince a particular class of people that to be LGBT is as natural as not to be LGBT. An appeal to reason and testimony of doctors and scientists does not work. Maybe time will erase this belief, just as time eroded the belief that the earth is flat. The Flat Earth Society still exists, but they do science fiction.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

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The Asian And Pacific Islander Family Pride Blog

June 22, 2012

When Looking At The Big Picture, Don’t Forget About The Smaller One

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Commercial organizations look at ways to measure their health and progress. They look at profits, of course, but they also look at other indicators: how many patents do they have, how much of their profit comes from new products, how many ideas do their employees contribute? There is a host of these. Similarly, for our work we try to look at macro indicators, for example, laws passed or judicial findings in our favor, but we also try to find and examine other, more subtle indicators to see how far we have come and how far we still need to go. We found both in a Human Rights Campaign publication.

The Healthcare Equality Index of 2012

The Human Rights Campaign released their “Healthcare Equality Index 2012.” HRC has published this index annually since 2007

to meet a deep and urgent need on the part of [LGBT] Americans: the need for equitable, knowledgeable, sensitive and welcoming healthcare, free from discrimination based on LGBT status.

The Health Equality Index is used by healthcare facilities to measure their own LGBT-centered care provisions and remedy any gaps between the index and their own practices.

The Macro Indicators

Using macro measurements, the 2012 survey was a success. They rated a record 122 facilities and 71 were designated as Leaders. A facility becomes a Leader by meeting four foundational criteria known as the “Core Four:” 1) patient non-discrimination policies; 2) visitation policies; 3) employment non-discrimination policies; and, 4) training in LGBT patient-centered care. Cumulatively, there are now 407 health care facilities that have been rated and 234 of these proved their leadership in LGBT patient healthcare. Across the board correlative criteria showed that healthcare providers are increasingly aware of the special sensitivities of LGBT patients.

The Micro Indicators

The survey asks and answers the question of its utility. The Healthcare Equality Index exists to prevent bad experiences from happening to LGBT patients. It provides examples. A transgender woman related that

When I walked towards the women’s bathroom in the waiting area, the receptionist jumped up and told me to use a McDonald’s restroom down the street. I felt like leaving and never going back.

A bisexual man kissing his recovering partner caused a nurse to walk out of the room. A recovering gay man mentions to the staff that his husband will be coming to visit and a previously friendly staff turned cool.

Education And Training Will Close The Gap

The survey shows that despite a remarkable level of increased awareness of special LGBT needs at the institutional level, at a level closer to the patient lots of catching up still needs to be done. The survey also shows that transgender people are treated with far more disrespect than gays or lesbians.

The difference between macro and micro indicators shows much work remains at the personal level. That work usually means changing people’s minds which in turn calls for education and training and telling stories.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

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June 15, 2012

A Mother’s Start On A Journey Of Acceptance

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

We will share with you a story sent to us by a Filipina mother from Los Angeles. We preserved her voice and the story that follows is as she wrote it with only a slight editorial touch.

I have two sons. My eldest, who just turned 29, came out last year in late July. Though I had that mother’s instinct that he was gay, I never asked directly, I waited for him to come out. Still, I went through a period of adjustment after we finished our telephone conversation and I was alone to reflect upon the news.

My son moved all the way to New York City more than two years ago, before he came out, and I do not have that “continuity” of personal parent-to-child conversations with him. After he told me he was gay, I wanted so badly to be able to talk to him more, but couldn’t. I felt left behind.

When he came out, I initially cried tears of joy for him, because I felt so privileged that he finally told me who he is, and for a mom to know that her son is now FREE to be completely himself, especially with me, was such a relief and a huge milestone. I wrote him a letter the day after he told me and quickly mailed it. It was a congratulatory letter and an “I am so very proud” of you and your courageous spirit. But, during the following few weeks, in the confines of my own soul-searching, I began to grieve about the past and also felt so guilty. I went through a process of blaming myself for not having the full capacity to protect him from all the social misery he experienced during his high school years; he went to an all-boys Catholic high school. Though he prefaced his coming out statement with “Mom, I don’t want you to feel guilty, nor blame yourself, or think you caused anything, about what I’m about to tell you . . .,” still, as a deeply committed mom, I felt intense worry about his personal safety. I felt that his world now had a double layer of discriminatory labels that the dominant culture could use against him; the fact that he is a minority (his Filipino-ness) and now the added layer of being gay. My worries were compounded by the fact that he is 3,000 miles away from me. He reassured me that New York City was probably the safest place for him as a gay person!

During the second week of June, I spent four and a half days solo time with my gay son in New York. It was a beautiful time with him. I told him about the PFLAG work, and for the first time (a milestone), he had me meet a couple of his friends (one straight young lady and one gay young man), both of whom he used to work with when he initially moved to Manhattan. We had a roaring great time at a club; it was wholesome, but wild!

In the past two weeks, I have been rapidly immersing myself in LGBT culture by seeking out activist groups down here in my area. I have gone to Barangay LA LGBTQ town hall Meeting (I invited myself and they were so gracious in allowing me to attend), and also to API-Equality LA volunteer orientation training. Attending the San Gabriel Valley API-PFLAG support group last month was a very empowering experience for my husband and me.

I am the eldest and only daughter; have three younger brothers. My father passed away. So far, I have come out to my mom and youngest brother. They both received my son’s identity very well. I have to come out to two more brothers and hope to complete this process soon.

I am so new at all of this, but it has been truly wonderful to be surrounded and supported by new friends! I hope to be a part of ongoing, continuing conversations with LGBT parents, LGBT youth, from both API and other ethnicities, and also to increase our straight allies in both parents and youth, as well as educators, faith-based leaders, and our extended families back home (Philippines).

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

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June 8, 2012

A Gathering. A Magical Evening. An Amazing Experience.

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Toward the end of Marsha Aizumi’s testimony about her son—FTM transgender—a little boy from among the seated guests spontaneously walked over to her and gave her a tissue. Marsha had tears in her eyes and no tissue to wipe them.

It is a poignant scene from our 8^th Annual Family Presentation Banquet, an event that for us created a high from which are just now coming down. Our banquets improve each year, but the emotional content has been there since the very first one. A volunteer who is a veteran of several banquets said to us that you can write about the banquet and talk about it, but you have to be there to experience fully its magic. It is frustrating not to be able to find words to capture the essence of our banquet, so we thought in this blog we’d share with you the thoughts left behind by our guests in the little notebooks we place on each table.

Our guests leave us these notes:

• Thank you for the wonders of this night. What wonderful and amazing stories.
• Amazed and inspired by the love, courage, and forgiveness that permeates this room. Hoping, working, and praying for a more safe and loving world for LBGTs.
• I am humbled and honored to have been here tonight to witness so much beauty, love, courage, and strength in these BEAUTIFUL API families.
• My parents severed contact with me. I know first-hand how much pain and hurt can ripple through a family when love and acceptance are overshadowed by fear. And so, the healing and love that comes from acceptance by LGBT family members is not just for their LGBT children—it lifts up everyone.
• A simple gathering of folks, but a powerful moment. Thank you.
• What a wonderful evening, to see love wrap its arms around each family.
• Thank you for giving API-LGBT youth a safe, loving space to be themselves. I feel less alone and scared about the coming out process after hearing other families’ stories and meeting them.
• Thank you for turning a vision of love and acceptance into a reality.
• The love, commitment to family and the spirit I felt tonight is so beautiful! Love you all!
• Thank you for inviting us to your fabulous event. Hearing the honorees tell their stories was so incredibly moving that it is almost suspicious. I’ve been crying almost nonstop for the last 30 minutes.
• Embracing the entire human family as if they were our own precious loving mother.
• Thank you so, so much for a WONDERFUL evening last night at the Hotel Whitcomb! Wow! It was so amazing hearing all the stories! It is TRULY an incredible legacy that is being built not only for LGBTQ folks and their families, but for everyone!
• The 8th Family Presentation was an amazing experience. API families coming together to share stories and share their love for their families. I met so many wonderful LGBT individuals and those that love and accept them. We were so moved by their stories. It will be an evening that our family will never forget.

Luna Han’s mother recounted how she went through all the stages a parent goes through when a child comes out: pain, agony, and doubt and many, many questions. But slowly she began to understand and slowly opened her heart to a daughter who is who she is. And then she lamented that many API parents sever their connection with a child for just being who they are. How sad, she said.

Note to self for next year’s banquet: make sure there are tissues on every table.

 

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

 

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June 1, 2012

Why Think About The Promise Of America?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Last Monday was Memorial Day. The day came, there was a barbecue, good company, and the day went. It was a day for ruminating what, beyond barbecue and drink, Memorial Day really is all about. Maybe because we are both Asian immigrants, finding the reason for holidays teaches us something about America. Memorial Day is a day to remember and honor those who fought and died in America’s service. From there our thoughts went to what American soldiers fight and die for. And from there: “What does America stand for?”

There is a gap between what America stands for and what America is. What it stands for was written over 225 years ago under circumstances that required the justification for dissolving political bonds that bound a colony to its mother country. It stands for all men are created equal and have unalienable rights. Almost one hundred years later, being created equal led to equal protection under the law. The words were not true when written and they are not true today. But the words still ring today and the real story is that in its short existence America has fought hard to come closer and closer to their being a reflection of the real.

Today, we are working hard to include LGBT people in the “equal protection under the law” idea. There is progress, but the progress is with words, in laws and court rulings, because that is how conditions in America change. It starts with people generally not thought to be included in America’s idea asserting their right to be included, then the slow realization that the agitators are right, then laws and court rulings, words that affirm inclusion. For our community, agitation came with the June 28, 1969, Stonewall riots when sexual minorities rebelled against a government sponsored system for their persecution. Since then, we have witnessed unbelievable progress. This year alone, a federal judge struck down proposition 8 and three different judges so far have ruled that to have a law on the books defining marriage as only between a man and a woman is unconstitutional. Six states, two Indian tribes, and the District of Columbia allow same sex marriage. We are absolutely without a doubt that soon words that exclude LGBT people from equal participation in America’s idea will be illegal. After the words are written, though, comes the hard and difficult work of making the words come alive.

When you are daily working specific problems, frustration with the ignorance and prejudice that create problems where there shouldn’t be any is difficult to avoid. Every so often, lift your head above the fray and remember the end result. It will be there, because America always does the right thing after it has done all the wrong things. In time it will remember its promise to the world: America exist to ensure all “an unfettered start and a fair chance n the race of life.”

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

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May 25, 2012

The API Family Pride Evening Of Celebration

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Next week Saturday is our 8^th Annual Family Presentation Banquet. Each year we grumble about the time and effort it takes to organize it, but in our heart we know it is worth it. Each year too, we know we can count on our community to form an amazing corps of volunteers who help make the evening so special. Nobody gets paid, all give of their talents and time: coordinators, set-up people, photographer, videographer, sound and light man, Master of Ceremony. It is heartwarming.

Talented Artists Come To Brighten The Evening

Each year we benefit from the talents of people who love their art. Almost all have day-jobs to pay the bills, but love this other thing in their lives. This year the Parangal Dance Company is again performing at our Banquet. Parangal is ten or so people who want to pay tribute to their Philippine heritage by preserving and promoting ethnic attire, music and dance. They performed at the San Francisco Ethnic Dance Festival and Mayor Ed Lee’s Inauguration. They are fantastic.

Also back this year is Brian Palac who sings. Actually, he does more than sing, he acts and he dances. His string of credits is impressive and long, but we do want to mention that he was Roger in the musical RENT. For those who believe that today’s youth leaves lots to be desired compared to previous generations, this year we have two performers who contradict that notion. Lindsay Chan and Cameron Jang are high school students who play string instruments; Lindsay plays the violin and Cameron the Er-hu, the Chinese two-string violin. Both have been playing their respective instruments for seven years and when they play and you close your eyes you’d think seasoned professionals are up on that stage.

Honoring Special Families, Special Children

Of course, the evening revolves around honoring those special families who, though surrounded by deep-rooted homophobia, still embrace their LGBT children.

This year a Japanese FTM Transman honors his family “who stood by me through the darkest times in my life, and giving me nothing but love. When I decided to transition, they were there and never turned their back on me.”

A transgendered Chinese MTF remembers her 91 year-old, Chinese born grandfather. “When I first transitioned, I thought I had lost my family forever. But when I finally faced them again, my grandparents accepted me with open arms. My grandma even told me that I looked beautiful.”

A Japanese gay man is proud to honor his parents. “My parents’ love and support have been constant and unconditional. So when I finally came out of the closet to them and my sisters at the age of 56, their love and support did not alter. My prayer is that other API LGBT people and families will experience the same love and grace in their lives that I have received from my wonderful family!”

In near referential terms, a Korean lesbian pays tribute to her mother writing that when she came out, her mother went “from denial to reluctant acceptance and finally even loving my partner as her own child.” For us, her most telling testimony came when she wrote: “. . . the most challenging aspect has been embracing who I am in front of friends and relatives. On a recent trip to Korea, my mother told me that she had “come out” as having a gay daughter. I felt so proud and happy for her. . .”

A Filipino gay man honors his father: “My Dad, my rock, my mentor, my confidant.” The father struggled when the son first came out, but then: “. . . my Dad broke through his own prejudices to fully accept who I am, going so far as to let every relative know how proud he is of his gay son.”

We take a deep breath in awe of such moving tributes to families who embody that hallmark of Asian virtues: Family is first.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

Keeping Families Together

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May 18, 2012

Can An Appeal To Science Be Used To Achieve Social Change?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

With the words: “I believe I owe the gay community an apology,” Dr. Robert Spitzer, called by some the father of modern psychiatry, repudiated his own study that supported reparative therapy. That study, presented first as a paper in 2001, then published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2003, caused consternation when it first came out, because it was the conclusion of the same man who, in 1973, spearheaded the effort to remove homosexuality from the American Psychological Association’s list of mental disorders. Gay advocates thought him treacherous; anti-gay advocates glummed on to the study as if it were a precious stone.

Spitzer’s 2001 paper lacks the rigor of a real scientific study. Its 2003 publication was done without peer review. He apologized for doing poor science, nothing else, because nowhere in the study is there a mention that being LGBT is a choice or that that therapy can actually change sexual orientation. Those with an antigay political purpose misused his study.

Science Not Ever Neutral

The apology caught our attention not because of the poor science it represents, but because of the many questions surfaced by the retraction. Is science a neutral arbiter for problems or, at least, for problems with great social impact? We think not. There are too many examples of science being wrong or its results misappropriated (think Exxon’s funding for research concluding that global warming is not happening, also repudiated). Many religious groups have used Spitzer’s study to support their claim that homosexuality is a choice and can be changed. Science as unreliable support also means that our use of it in support of social equality is also tenuous. But we already knew that from experience. For every “fact” there seems to be counter “fact.”

Reparative Therapy Is Just An Excuse To Enforce A False Norm

Scientists investigate perceived anomalies. Something is supposed to be this way, but is not. Why not? Are there any studies that call for therapy to make heterosexual people homosexual? We don’t know of any. That then means that heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality the anomaly to be studied and explained. So far, so good, but people leave science when they apply reparative therapy. It is based on the notion that homosexuality is an unnatural choice people make. Reparative therapy is propelled by a need to compel LGBT people away from that choice. There is no scientific basis that choice is involved and to make people adhere to an outdated norm is just plain wrong in a land where freedom of choice is another norm.

Stories Are More Useful Than Science

The issue for us is that if we cannot use science as an appeal, then what do we use. For us, the answer is stories. We need stories to tell people that homosexuality is not a subject for study in order to change people, but that it is just another manifestation of the enormous complexity of human sexuality.

We remember a morning around the breakfast table when our son was home from college and we discussed an article that said that scientists had found the “gay gene.” We speculated that soon scientists could manipulate genes so that our son could become heterosexual. He said: “Why would I want to?” Lights went on.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

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May 11, 2012

What A Great Gift We Were All Given. Happy Mother’s Day!

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

To all mothers, Happy Mother’s Day; To all mothers of LGBT children: Happy Mother’s Day; To all LGBT mothers: Happy Mother’s Day!

We were given a fabulous Mother’s Day gift this year. President Obama said in an interview that: “. . . it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” It may be politics, though some think it isn’t, regardless, it is a historic event: a sitting U.S president, the first person of color so elected, came out in favor of an issue that a few years ago was not only not mentioned, but unmentionable.

You know we believe that the outcome of the battle for same sex marriage is moot; it is won, demography is in our favor. Same sex marriage won’t be an issue at all in the 2016 presidential campaign. In fact, we believe that it won’t be much of one in this election. We read in one of the many reports on President Obama’s interview that increasingly Americans are in favor of same-sex marriage as older voters are supplanted by younger ones.

Still, President Obama’s announcement is a big, glorious milestone. People will remember where they were when they heard the news. It will be cited in future research papers and it will be used as a turning point in the history of LGBT people’s fight for equal status under the law. The 49% percent of America’s black population and 43% of its white population who still oppose same sex marriage, will shrink to irrelevant numbers. Nobody questions the right for women to vote and few still believe school segregation should be law.

So to all mothers, savor the time with your children on your day. Soon no one will believe that anyone has the right to dictate who your children can spend their life with.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

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Date

A Message Is Most Readily Heard Cloaked In A Story, But Not Just Any Story

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

Regular readers of this blog know that we are always on the hunt for stories to convey our message. We know from experience that stories tell the message far better than statistical data dumps or appeals to logic. Now we found articles providing scientific evidence that stories are indeed more persuasive than argument and evidence. When data and logic are used to change strongly held beliefs, people turn defensive. But when persuasion is tried through story telling, people are emotionally involved and people are led by emotions.

The story is a Trojan horse for the persuader’s agenda. Therein lies the problem. For the Greek attackers the Trojan horse was a boon, for the Trojan defenders a disaster. So it is with stories. We want our stories to exemplify the message we have to tell. All our stories are factual and they must be appropriate for our message and the parent whom we are trying to persuade that to have a gay child is no reason to break up the family. Our message must do no harm and thus our stories must do no harm. We have two examples of real stories that we cannot use in our work.

A Story With A Happy Ending We Cannot Use

A boy grows up in a small town in Florida’s panhandle, which is sometimes called Lower Alabama with all the sad implications that go with that. It is a rural community with a capital R, deep in the Bible belt. Need we say that the people are ultra-conservative and anti-gay? The boy grows up in that community knowing the name of every one of his high school peers. The boy discovers he is gay and is now scared to death. When the subject of gay people comes up, his parents refer to them with pejoratives. In his high school sophomore year the boy comes out to his friends some react with happiness now that he is out and, as the word spreads, for others it was not a big deal. Buoyed by his success he decides to tell his parents. He woke up his mother one night and told her. Mom said okay and told him she loved him regardless and always would. He told his stepfather. A little awkward at first, but it smoothed out and his stepfather never treated him differently.

A Story With A Sad Ending We Also Cannot Use

Here is another story. Last year about this time, a 14-year old bisexual boy from Buffalo, New York, made a video for the It Gets Better project. He talked about enduring constant taunting and bullying from school bullies. The bullying was so bad that his parents talked to school officials who then tried to stop it. Stopping met with sporadic success. When he entered high school he was upbeat. His parents say he was happy and his grades were good. This 14-year old had supportive parents’ and he was seeing both a therapist and a social worker. He gave hope to other LGBT teenagers: “All you have to do is hold your head up and you’ll go far. Just love yourself and you’re set . . . It gets better” (to see the video, click here). But on Sunday, September 18, 2011, he killed himself, the bullying had become unbearable.

Why Not Use The Stories?

The first story was told to encourage others to come out. “It isn’t that bad,” the storyteller writes, “and even if there is a bad reaction, it feels good not to have to hide.” No way that we will ever use that story and the reason is the second story. In that one, a boy is out, has the support we usually recommend, but unremitting bullying is still the result of coming out ultimately leading to self-destruction. We are not using that story either. The first story is bad advice and the second is too grim.

API Family Pride’s Banquet Is The Best Source For Our Stories

Our banquet is a celebration of API parents and family who supported their LGBT children. We listen to all the stories told during that emotional evening. We name no names, but we tell the stories about the despair, the doubt, the anxiety, and, in the end, the triumph of real family values. Our banquet not only keeps us enthused, but also is the source of the powerful stories we use to illustrate how API families stay together despite a tradition of values that include homophobia. And if ever we can capture the emotional content of our banquet, most of our work will be done.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org

 

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April 30, 2012

Should You Tell Your Parents? Why Not? Or, You Have Told Your Parents. Now What?

By BELINDA AND JOHN DRONKERS-LAURETA

We held a workshop a few days ago. It was interactive where through personal stories we guide participants in a discussion about the difficulties of coming out, both for API LGBT persons and their parents. Friends from other organizations came to help and there were five of us facilitators. We broke the sixty or so participants into groups and discussed coming out from the API LGBT children point of view and the point of view of parents. Our part of the workshop is to relate our experience as parents when our son came out.

Coming Out Remains Difficult

We continue to be surprised. Despite today’s far greater visibility, despite the many legal advances, for API LGBT people coming out remains a fearful prospect. Over half of the workshop participants were not out to their parents and over the many years we have done these workshops the questions remain the same. There are no answers to many of these questions. Coming out will always be an intensely personal process and each person is different. We gather personal stories to reach for when people ask questions, but no matter how many stories we collect, and we have literally hundreds, and regardless of the guidelines we tease out of our stories, there is a gap between the story and the reality of the person who asks the question.

When Children Come Out, Parents Go In The Closet

In addition to all our resource material, in these workshops we hand out a sheet of paper titled: “Challenges to Acceptance.” One side lists the difficulties LGBT children have coming out to their parents, the other lists difficulties parents have when their children come out to them. These two lists are put together from the many stories we have collected over the years bolstered by research literature. The participants scan over the material and then come the questions: How did your son come out? How long did it take you to accept him? What were you most afraid of? These questions we can answer because we own the answers. But inevitable the questions change when participants try to project their parents’ possible reaction to what they hear ours was. What do you do when . . .? What if . . .? Would you do . . .? We no longer have answers. We provide guidelines acutely aware that the person who asked must make the guideline his or hers. That is, he or she must take a general rule and apply it to his or hers uniquely private situation.

Make Information Yours To Apply

One of our fundamental guidelines is to maintain the relationship with your parents. Your parents are in disbelief, in shock even, but don’t disappear, or, in the words of one participant long ago, don’t let them work it out by themselves. They cannot. They have questions and don’t know where to go for the answers. Stay close, they may ask you.

This guideline is of course dependent on the existing parent/child relationship. We had a close relationship with all our children and our gay son stayed in touch (he was at college on the East coast). He sent literature, he called and answered questions, we called to ask questions. It also depends on the child’s attitude. On the one hand there is the “I don’t want to lose them,” view, on the other there is the “If they don’t like me the way I am, it’s their problem” attitude, and every nuance in between.

Finally, it depends on the parents’ attitude. When the workshop ends, some linger to ask more questions. One did so this time to ask what to do when a father says: “Don’t bother me with this. You live your life the way you want to.” We counseled to have patience, the response is encouraging: “Your father is working at it and he did not disown you.” “How long will take for him to accept me?” No good answer to that. It took us two years and we are still learning. We know of parents taking more years than that and we know of parents who never have “that conversation.”

Our friends who helped us had a complaint we have also heard many times before: the workshop does not give us enough time. But then: how much time would be enough time? There is so much need for conversation, there are so many concerns, there are so many questions.

Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta are board members of Asian & Pacific Islander Family Pride www.apifamilypride.org